What makes tomorrow any different than today? Any different than yesterday?
Here I am at 4 am in the morning, sleepless. As always I have the pounding repetitive thought passing through my mind. I need to lose weight. It is so constant nowadays that I wonder if somewhere along the lines I've gotten a little obsessed mentally with this. Oddly I don't think about it all day, but I do think of it a couple of times a day. I see photos and always think, I'm beautiful, I know that..but I'm ready to find out how much more beauty is beneath this extra weight. I go somewhere and I'm ready to not be embarrassed of my body anymore, I'm ready to not be scared of what I might break or not fit in. I get tired walking too much, tired going up stairs of flights.. I'm ready to feel energized, strong, active, and in shape. I think of the person I love, those I crushed on in the past, those who attract me now.. I'm ready to be with them, without any limits, any fears, any embarrassments.
My sister offered to take me shopping next week..Does she not realize how hard it is to find clothes in my size (that look semi-good) in stores? Does she not realize the reason I buy online is because they have bigger sizes? Does she not remember looking for dresses with me and none of them fitting? Cute, Petite, in-shape popular sister.
Sometimes I lie to those I care about. Lie to my family and friends about how much I work out. I don't want to hear anymore tips on how to lose weight, I don't want to hear any more encouragement, I don't want to hear anymore disappointment.. I know what I need to do, I know how to do it.. I just.. dont. I appreciate their help and encouragement.. but I'm so tired of making my empty promises that I always used to make. "Yes, I will start working out soon. Yes, I am losing weight. Yes I am doing great this time, I'm not going to stop or give up." I know that it shouldn't matter what they think.. but I also know that in truth.. I'm just tired of letting myself down and lying to myself.
I'm giving myself excuses. I'm lying to myself. I'm ignoring myself. I'm letting myself down. I'm hurting myself.
I've always lived that way. I did it all my life with schooling. Skipping class. Drugs. Alcohol. Fighting with my parents. Friends. I live in fear of control. I live in fear of responsibility, change, happiness, love. I live in fear. I live in this pain because its pain I know is constant, pain I control, pain I know in the back of my mind I control.. and I tell myself if I keep this pain here (obesity, failure in school, etc) then I can focus on it and ignore all the other pain I can't control. I never fix this pain because then the smoke will clear, then the target becomes my emotional problems, my relationship problems, my family problems.. things I may never be able to change or control.
It all makes sense to me now. Maybe I'm just rambling- blabbering on without a clue of what I'm saying but it makes sense to me. Gain weight or lose weight...in my control, a matter of changing habits and staying in control. Do well in school or do poorly, again same as above. I constantly think of these as distraction from the fact that I may be a bad lover/girlfriend, a bad friend, a bad daughter, a bad person. Distraction from things that I may not be able to change.
Maybe I'm just looking for answers to help solve the question.
However, I did buy Yourself!fitness, a scale (so I can measure accurately/on a schedule), and I borrowed some of my mothers work out tapes. I'm slowly trying. I even made a chart for me to put stickers on every time I do something happy healthwise. I'm hoping.