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Wednesday, January 7th, 2009

Subject:Let's Do This
Time:7:25 pm.
So I know it has been forever, but I'm trying to get serious about this again. Lots of cleaning and prepping to do today, so this entry won't be very informative but rather I'm going to share the e-mails I've been having with my mom.

-------

Okay Im getting serious about this weight loss stuff again, I mean really serious. I know the past two years I've just thrown it to the side as things get tough emotionally and I just want to give in. But I'm tired of allowing myself to not have any control over anything. I'm tired of never fully accomplishing what I have set in mind, never reaching the finish line.

Are you with me?

I'm 203 today (January 06, 2009) and my goal date is for July 19th - the Sunday before my 24th birthday. I can get to 150 by then (about 2 lbs a week) but I'm mostly aiming for 160. I will make goal weights for each holiday and weigh in every week on Sunday (maybe eventually every two weeks).

I'm already making graphs and charts and I'm ready for this. I want to be healthy in all ways so I'm making many goals. But I just want to let you know that I'm really ready to start taking this seriously again.

I'm going to start blogging, July 19th is exactly two hundred days from New Year's eve/day so my blog is called "In Two Hundred Days". I'm going to really do this. I can't keep letting myself down.

Do you want me to bust your balls too? I'm tired of us all being unhealthy. Sick of it. I've already started keeping track today of everything I eat, and I'm going start all over.
Once you read this and if you are ready to vow a commitment to me and yourself (and everyone else) we will discuss numbers and goals.

After Her ResponseCollapse )
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, October 2nd, 2007

Subject:Hello
Time:11:58 am.
I know it has been forever and I apologize... I won't be posting here anymore but I would like to at least now include a link - if you want to see pictures of me and learn more about my weight loss journey or to contact me - go here:

http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage.asp?id=CRYSD724
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Saturday, December 3rd, 2005

Subject:Note to Viewers
Time:4:50 pm.
It may look like I haven't updated in a long time or that I hardly ever update, but the fact is to keep my personal details somewhat private - I make a lot of entries friends only. So if you do not have me friended, you won't be able to see these.

But if you're interested in friending me, don't think I never update anymore! Because I do :) Just letting those new comers know whats up.
Comments: Read 7 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, May 16th, 2005

Time:8:28 pm.
I just invited some friends from high school and their friends to possibly come over Saturday.


I'm so afraid that I look worse... fatter than I did when I last saw them. Sometimes I wish they had seen me when I was 360-370.. so then even though I'm still extremely obese.. I'd look thinner than then and they'd know that I have done something other than get worse.

What sucks more is knowing that .. its my fault that I haven't done much. Another day has passed with me sitting idly. Another weekend. I don't know why. I was very emotional last night and I think I have been lately, regressing into some kind of depression mode where I just ignore what is going on in my head by doing nothing but sleeping or playing games.

I need to get back on track. I don't know what is stopping me. I know its me, but I dont know what it is in me.

Oh well, I'll smile.. and be me.. and that is all that should matter.

And damnit, Ill work my butt off until Saturday ;p
Comments: Read 6 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, May 10th, 2005

Subject:POWER Challenge :P
Time:1:55 pm.
Hey everybody. Here I am yet again apologizing for being gone so long! My weekends (and weeks really) have been so full and busy I just haven't been around too much anymore! Well, my classes ended last week - but my summer term begins this following Monday. But, I should have more free time. There hopefully wont be as much going on during the weekends for a while.

I have to make this post quick and I will have to catch up on your journals later - why? Because I'm gonna work out :) So no apologies there! I was supposed to work out early this morning but slacked.. so I'm gonna make sure I start working out at 2pm before I put it off any longer.

Time has flown. Is still flying. It sucks. My birthday and my "Big weigh in" is only 2 months and 2 weeks away. What the heck right?!?! It seems like only yesterday it was 5 months away! I'm kind've disappointed in myself with how much I've put things off and let things slide. I've basically just maintained most of the time.. which is really good for me and I'm okay with - but I'm not happy with that.

I thought about a lot of things this weekend. I know I'm always challenging myself but I guess thats a part of who I am. I'm getting better with lots of things like cleaning and dusting daily, I started to get my homework done before it was due, I've been getting other things done. Hopefully its a slow upward path towards finally changing with my weightloss habits.

Anyway as I was trying to say - I have a new challenge, for myself. Its a secret "POWER" challenge. POWER in the respect that it will be indeed - challenging. It might be hard, it might be something I can't do - but it will be something that changes me greatly and changes this broken record. I'm not gonna beat myself up if I don't do it perfectly or if I don't do it at all. It was just an idea and I think it makes sense and I think it might work.. so I'm gonna try it out. If I can do it for at least one full week - I'll write about it :) Its nothing crazy or unhealthy - don't worry about that.. I promise its not. Its just different than what I've thought in my head before.

I thought I was ready to jump on the bandwagon today and get started again, but I slept in. Super tired. I was super tired yesterday from this weekend and didn't go to bed too early so Its my own fault. I've gotta master this going to bed early thing and waking up early. It will be a key to my success, I know it. Oh well, as long as I do something today I will be happy. Tomorrow I will begin my challenge.

Alright 5 minutes until 2pm, gotta wrap this up and get ready. Love you all, hope you're doing spectacular, and I will catch up on your entries soon, very soon! :)
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, May 4th, 2005

Time:9:15 pm.
I'm sorry i haven't replied to your comments or ljs in a while. LJ has been really funky for some reason on and off. So have I.

I had an emotional break down yesterday. Really badly. I dunno I guess I just realized some things about myself and my life that were hard to confront. I've been really shitty about my working out.. I've eaten pretty well on and off but eh. I just feel MEH! I hate that. I hate that if I'm not feeling awesome and peppy that its just like impossible for me to workout. It just wont come up in my mind.

But I worked out the day before yesterday and I will work out today. Tomorrow I may be going to a theme park so that means LOTS of walking :) that will count. Then I'm going out of town again - until next Monday/Tuesday. I'm babysitting dogs all weekend. I'm gonna bring my workout stuff and do it there. At least I know that if I'm alone with a pair of dogs in an empty house all alone and bored.. I'll probably definitely work out. A lot. I'd walk the dogs a bunch but I don't really trust that neighborhood. Maybe though.

I hope you are all doing great. I'm gonna have to play major catch up again when I get back. I've been doing all this final exams and homework crap for my classes, but I'm all done now! Free time until May 16th! Which is good! :)

I love you all and I want the best for all of us. I have to remember that. I care about all of you soooo much and I want you to succeed, I want you to be happy, I want you to do whats best. I haven't really thought the same about myself - which kind've relates to what I had a breakdown about. Not so much weightloss related, but just a lot of me being delusional in my life and not taking action and responsibility like I always want to and hope to. I need to be strong. I need to think straight and concentrate, and plan and schedule.. and make sure I get things done instead of just saying "Oh well!".

Alright, Here I am signing off on a positive note, as always! I'm never EVER ever EVER going to give up damnit. I'm sorry if Its irritating seeing me repeat the same thing but .. I fail a lot and I just need to remind myself a lot to keep trying. I dont care if its a continuous broken record.. something is getting done! Maybe things will change now that I'm starting to tighten some screws that were lose in my head. We'll see.

Damn hidden emotional issues. :) Speak to you all in a couple of days!
Comments: Read 4 orAdd Your Own.

Sunday, April 17th, 2005

Subject:Weigh In Sunday
Time:8:59 pm.
So I officially claimed Sunday my weigh in day so here are the results.

Starting Weight: 370 (June 04)
Last Week: 339
This Week: 336.5
Weekly Loss: 2.5 lbs
Total Loss: 33.5 lbs

Its nice. Last week I also lost 2 or so pounds (342 to 339) so either something is up or I'm doing well. Its funny too because I really don't consider myself to be doing "enough". I eat healthy and drink my water of course, but last week I ate a little extra.. and I'm not working out a ton.

Oh well, I'm not going to be negative, and I'm not going to scream and shout until the number gets lower and those pounds stay off :)

Busy with homework so can't say much else, but I'm excited about working out tonight since I missed last night :)

Hope you all had a great weekend.
Comments: Read 21 orAdd Your Own.

Friday, April 15th, 2005

Time:10:35 pm.
*panic* I hope my good week spree isn't ending! I didn't workout yesterday mainly because I forgot to - seriously. Time just passed me by. I'm feeling in that "jeez I just want to sleep and laze around" mood today, possibly making me back out on working out.

Ugh, but I'm not going to! I've been drawing a bit here nad there.. and I cleaned my entire room.. and Now I just have to tell myself that I will get my workout clothes on and workout very soon. Yep, I'll tell myself. I have exciting fun energetic music on and that should help, right?

I was looking at my thighs in bed - I was laying down and I had them up (like if you were about to do a sit up) and I was wondering if it was just me or if they look thinner. I know that position makes them look different because the fat is kinda.. hanging below and you just see the top. But it made me kind've.. excited so to speak. I was thinking "God, just imagine when I actually lose weight how different everything will start to look". I want it to change. I want to happy with my body. I adore myself in a lot of ways, I have my down times and depression times but usually I love my personality, my quirks, my sillyness. I love my love. Its just always been this body that drives at me. That makes things so difficult.

I know my main motivation is health, and that should always be the first priority. But you know.. when I went to the doctors just this past December he said that everything was absolutely fine with my body - I was just overweight. No medical problems, possibly physical issues once I get older, but as of now I'm fine. I see nothing wrong with wanting a better body. With wanting curves, wanting to see every part of my body with ease, with wanting to be able to bend over better, being able to do more physically, I look forward to it all.

Its a long long discussion. All I have to say is that if its for you, if I'm doing this for myself, then I see nothing wrong with that. As long as I'm not trying to make someone else happy or approve of me, and as long as what makes me happy isn't dangerous or unhealthy then I see nothing wrong with just striving for a body that you would rather have - whether it is a "health" based goal or not.

My moms being doing really great too ;) that makes me so happy. Now I just hope my brother will start doing whats best for his health as well.

Hope the rest of you are doing great!
Comments: Read 6 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, April 13th, 2005

Time:12:52 am.
Ooh. I just started up Yourself!Fitness and it gave me a "Physical Challenge" which I guess is a test to see how you've improved in the 10 or so days that have passed. I like this. Here is what my stats were..

See what you do is first you do your resting rate, then your elevated heart rate (after doing jumping jacks), as many pushups as you can possibly manage properly, as many crunches as you can manage, and as many squats, then you test your flexibility. I've improved! Yay. I admit I pushed myself a little harder but hey, at least I did!

Stat | March 30th | Now</b>
Elevated Heart Rate | 156 | 138
Pushups/Upper Body Strength | 20 | 25
Squats/Lower Body Strength | 30 | 40
Crunches/Core Body Strength | 25 | 35
Flex | 5 | 6 (I was pretty flexible to begin with really)

I'm happy with this! I hope I can improve in 5's or 10's each test :) That would be awesome.

Now I think I'm gonna maybe do some yoga or Tae Bo .. I dunno though that test wore me out haha. :)
Comments: Read 6 orAdd Your Own.

Sunday, April 10th, 2005

Subject:Hard?
Time:12:17 pm.
I'm sick of this.

People may say that I shouldn't be so hard on myself because losing weight is hard. Because I've done so "well" compared to the past.

Well, I'm not nearly as hard as I should be. I've been overweight since 3rd grade. I became aware of my weight problem probably most realistically and adult-like around 8th grade. I was 13 then.. I will be 20 this year. I'm hard on myself because I've been "trying" for nearly 7 years to lose weight. No, actually I havent. I haven't tried much at all. I haven't given it my full attention, commitment, and determination. I haven't.

Even now, I haven't. I allow myself to do whatever I want because well, I can. I give a cold shoulder to everything I dislike about being fat and I do whatever I want to keep myself this way. I'm not horrible no, I eat really god damn healthy most of the time, but do I work out as hard as I can - or at all? Hardly, no.

I've been lying to everyone on here and to myself. I am not as devoted and determined as I make myself out to be. I want to be determined absolutely, I want to be motivated and spirited and have great will power. But when I walk away from this journal and your posts and the websites, it is just a small very vague memory. A "Oh, maybe I should do that.. maybe."

Then I catch myself saying that maybe I can't do this. I think about those people who work out a lot and change their lives and I think, gee, maybe I can't do that, why can't I do that?. The funny thing is.. I've never even tried.

I never slept last night. I was so depressed over the fact that I'm an irresponsible, childish, idiot. It's not just weightloss -its everything in my life. Everything that I put off until it gets horrible. Its the fact that I was kicked out of my university twice and failed easy simple classes, just because I didn't feel like going.. just because I didn't feel like doing homework. Its the fact that I almost didn't follow my dreams because I didn't want to work hard for them. Its the fact that I've lived my life as someone I'm not just because I'm too lazy to shed this facade that covers my entire body. It's my escape from work, it's my escape from love and sex, my escape from being adventerous, my escape from "failure", my escape from everything.

No, I'm not being nearly hard enough. The fact that I am home all day and I still don't take advantage of my free time to do what is best for me.. is extremely pathetic. And I am not someone who is meant to be pathetic. I don't let other people control my life, I don't let hatred control my life, I don't let failure control my life, I am me, I am independent, I am strong - in my mind. I just need to take advantage of that. I'm sick of making excuses and not punishing myself. I'm sick of being unhappy.

I've already worked out twice today. Let it be truth, a new beginning, a sign. Let it be the real me, not the one who is scared of change, failure, and pain. No, I am not afraid. I am not weak.
Comments: Read 10 orAdd Your Own.

Saturday, April 9th, 2005

Time:4:38 pm.
I hate when I mean to get back on track and I just keep putting it off forever and ever until the day is over and its "too late".

Last night it was around 3am and I was like "damnit, I was going to work out!" and I really wanted to. I did 15 minutes of yoga and it did make me break a sweat at least. I tried to do a workout afterwards but I was way too tired. Then I couldn't fall asleep for the life of me.. not until 5am or so.

But I woke up and I did work out around 4pm just now. I did 8minutes of Tae bo (I just wanted it for stretching and warming up) and then 15 minutes from Yourself!fitness. I have a pounding headache. I'm drinking plenty of water and everything and its not hot, I think I just may be sick. I've been having that half "need to throw up" feeling quite a lot the past few days.

Hopefully I'll work out again later on tonight. I'm ready to change damnit. All of you inspire me so much, I need you and to see what you're doing. Thank you.

I think I want to remember things I am thankful for (health wise) today:
- I'm thankful for.. the fact that I drink only water and occasionally (like once a month) fruit juices. I'm so glad I never really had problems with not drinking soda.
- I'm Thankful for.. healthy foods that I love. I really am doing pretty decently with eating healthily.
- I'm Thankful for.. the fact that I can work out. That my body is healthy enough to where I'm not immobile, and I actually can do quite a lot of working out if I try hard enough.
- I'm thankful for.. the fact that even though I've gone up and down a lot lately, I haven't seen above 345lbs in a long time. I will never be 365/370 again. I know it. Now I just have to say the same for 330.. then 300, and so on.
- I'm thankful for.. the fact that I am extremely healthy despite my weight. My doctor said there is nothing wrong with me beyond my need to lose weight. That means I'm doing something right!

I think thats enough for now. I just want to remind myself that I do accomplish something every single day, and I should be proud of that. Now is jus the time to accomplish more.
Comments: Read 6 orAdd Your Own.

Friday, April 8th, 2005

Subject:Allo.
Time:8:02 am.
Hey everyone :) I'm back and situated. Unbelievably tired this morning.

I've been eating healthily lately and drinking lots of water. Haven't been working out so to speak, but I have been "working". I bought a new futon while I was out of town because I thought "hey maybe if I sleep more comfy I will wake up easier and I will work out more". Plus its smaller and makes more room for me to actually workout. Wednesday I put the entire thing together by hand so I believe that counts as working out (not to mention lugging all the pieces up and down the stairs). Yesterday I spent most of the day taking apart my old futon and lugging it down the stairs. It's not much but hey, my body is sureelly feeling it today.

Monday before I left I found out that my mom's body has started the behaviors and symptoms of someone with diabetes. We're not entirely sure but we believe this means she doesn't have diabetes yet, but if she doesn't change her weight and eating habits she may get it very very soon. The same news about my closest cousin Mike (who is only 20 - 21 in June!). This was definitely a world-shaker.

My mom was extremely upset.. so we went over to visit her and we all went for a long walk. She told me she missed my e-mails and we need to start doing them again. I used to e-mail her at work every morning telling her what I was going to do that day healthwise and she would do the same. It helped her because she says it made her not want to let me down. So we're going to start e-mailing each other every single day. I'm going to try to e-mail her before or around 8am every morning in hopes that it will make me wake up and get started.

This morning we woke up and tried to do the same workout/yoga show on tv. It was hard because it was too much floor exercise (we didn't know what to expect) but it was still nice trying. I told her that we should just call or contact each other every day at a certain time to say "we're working out right now" then hang up and call back only after we work out.

I weighed myself Wednesday and I was back to my "average" weight (337) so I assume my weight gain mightve actually been due to bloating (I always forget) but I'm not sure. Either way I'm counting 342 as my "Starting Weight" for April 2005 and I hope to lose at the very least 5 pounds this month. This means being 335 on June 3rd. My *hopeful* goal is 328 (basically 10 pounds not counting water weight gain) - just to finally be out of the god damn "330's".

I think I'm ready to get back into action. I hope. God, I pray. I really do. I've been cleaning every single day so to me that is sort've a sign that I'm ready to get back on track and take care of myself. I just had some of my favorite oatmeal and I'm about to log it in Fitday. I'm ready to begin again.

I hope the rest of you are having a good start to April :)
Comments: Read 5 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, March 30th, 2005

Subject:Day 35
Time:2:00 pm.
Yay, so today my scale and Yourself!fitness came in! And I'm really motivated now. I'm so excited. Its silly but hell I hope it doesn't go away!

I've been thinking and I'd like to do yoga every morning and hopefully a lot of the nights - for stretching and relaxing.. me time. Then I'll do 20-30 minutes of regular workout as well. I really want to do it and it excites me.

Well, I hadn't weighed myself because I kept telling myself I'd wait until I got my new scale. 341. I am up. I know it may be because its a different scale, or the time of day, or whatever.. but I'm okay with it. I'm excited now because I can choose what time I want to weigh myself and I will do it at the same time of the day probably every two weeks if not less.

I bought a tape measurer too. Its not the wrap around kind (but the extending kind) but still I can always use a string or ribbon and measure it.. itll make things easier.

I'm ready. I really am. Maybe I'm just excited because of all the new things.. New bras, new undies, I got a new workout outfit (I have workout pants but no jacket.. and they don't match ANYTHING and it drove me nuts.. Silly I know), new jewelry, a new shirt.. and soon new shoes. Its all getting me excited. I didn't really want to buy clothes because I kept thinking "Well I should be losing weight.. so they won't fit" so some of them I didn't worry if they weren't in the largest size possible.. and if I get more I think I may get a size or two smaller.

I haven't been logging my food or exercise in fitday lately and I need to start that up as well. I'm slowly but surely getting there. I clean my room everyday, put my clothes away everyday, wash my face everyday - all minor things but all small steps to me taking much better care of myself. I bought saltines yesterday - my Weakness! but I bought them unsalted :) I'm proud of that. I did buy some other no-no snacks (hushpuppies, chicken nuggets, and hashbrowns, and finally sunflower seeds.) but I'm maintaining my control and only having a bit each day.

I am hopefully learning.. that I have a reason to be proud. A reason to be motivated and excited. I think I'm finally ready to get below that 330 mark and venture towards 299. I realized that there are only 3months and 3 weeks until my birthday weigh in.. and the time has flown by. I still hope to at least make it half way to my birthday goal (275).. heres to hoping :)

I hope all of you are having a wonderful day.
Comments: Read 8 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, March 29th, 2005

Subject:Day 32
Time:1:51 am.
I am proud. Finally I got off my butt and worked out again. I borrowed my mom's Richard Simmons "Latin Workout" so I did it tonight on a spur of the moment. 20 minutes of that. Then I stretched, did 20 squats, 20 pushups, 20 sits ups, some dumbbell reps for my arms, some crunches, and leg exercises. I'm exhausted! Richard Simmons was insanely easy .. I mean I was sweating and stumbling (because he doesnt really show what to do!) but it didn't really exhaust me - just made me a little tired.

I mentioned a chart for stickers before.. I'm gonna put it up and add stickers for today. Workout, weights, food, water, and vitamin.

Hmm.. here's to hoping. Scale, Yourself!fitness, and new bras should be here soon :)
Comments: Read 4 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, March 28th, 2005

Subject:Broken Record?
Time:3:27 am.
What makes tomorrow any different than today? Any different than yesterday?

Here I am at 4 am in the morning, sleepless. As always I have the pounding repetitive thought passing through my mind. I need to lose weight. It is so constant nowadays that I wonder if somewhere along the lines I've gotten a little obsessed mentally with this. Oddly I don't think about it all day, but I do think of it a couple of times a day. I see photos and always think, I'm beautiful, I know that..but I'm ready to find out how much more beauty is beneath this extra weight. I go somewhere and I'm ready to not be embarrassed of my body anymore, I'm ready to not be scared of what I might break or not fit in. I get tired walking too much, tired going up stairs of flights.. I'm ready to feel energized, strong, active, and in shape. I think of the person I love, those I crushed on in the past, those who attract me now.. I'm ready to be with them, without any limits, any fears, any embarrassments.

My sister offered to take me shopping next week..Does she not realize how hard it is to find clothes in my size (that look semi-good) in stores? Does she not realize the reason I buy online is because they have bigger sizes? Does she not remember looking for dresses with me and none of them fitting? Cute, Petite, in-shape popular sister.

Sometimes I lie to those I care about. Lie to my family and friends about how much I work out. I don't want to hear anymore tips on how to lose weight, I don't want to hear any more encouragement, I don't want to hear anymore disappointment.. I know what I need to do, I know how to do it.. I just.. dont. I appreciate their help and encouragement.. but I'm so tired of making my empty promises that I always used to make. "Yes, I will start working out soon. Yes, I am losing weight. Yes I am doing great this time, I'm not going to stop or give up." I know that it shouldn't matter what they think.. but I also know that in truth.. I'm just tired of letting myself down and lying to myself.

I'm giving myself excuses. I'm lying to myself. I'm ignoring myself. I'm letting myself down. I'm hurting myself.

I've always lived that way. I did it all my life with schooling. Skipping class. Drugs. Alcohol. Fighting with my parents. Friends. I live in fear of control. I live in fear of responsibility, change, happiness, love. I live in fear. I live in this pain because its pain I know is constant, pain I control, pain I know in the back of my mind I control.. and I tell myself if I keep this pain here (obesity, failure in school, etc) then I can focus on it and ignore all the other pain I can't control. I never fix this pain because then the smoke will clear, then the target becomes my emotional problems, my relationship problems, my family problems.. things I may never be able to change or control.

It all makes sense to me now. Maybe I'm just rambling- blabbering on without a clue of what I'm saying but it makes sense to me. Gain weight or lose weight...in my control, a matter of changing habits and staying in control. Do well in school or do poorly, again same as above. I constantly think of these as distraction from the fact that I may be a bad lover/girlfriend, a bad friend, a bad daughter, a bad person. Distraction from things that I may not be able to change.

Maybe I'm just looking for answers to help solve the question.

However, I did buy Yourself!fitness, a scale (so I can measure accurately/on a schedule), and I borrowed some of my mothers work out tapes. I'm slowly trying. I even made a chart for me to put stickers on every time I do something happy healthwise. I'm hoping.
Comments: Read 7 orAdd Your Own.

Saturday, March 26th, 2005

Time:7:00 pm.
I've been doing some more reading and research. Always looking for answers of course. I've in the past been interested in Jonny Bowden. I'm not sure why, maybe its his no none-sense athletic look. Maybe he makes me think of a personal trainer that I know will kick me into action. So I decided to read his articles on ivillage.com

This one really hit a chord with me: Weight Loss and the Pleasure Principle

Here is a small excerpt:

"Conditioning is what happens when a song that was popular when you first fell in love elicits a fluttery little response in your tummy, even when you hear it 20 years later. Conditioning is going on in your life every moment of every day. But the things that shape your behavior most are the things that are strongly conditioned to pleasure or to pain (like the electric shock you got when you plugged in that toaster).

Most people who are struggling with fat are also struggling with some very powerful conditioning, and understanding how the pleasure-pain principle works can be a big help in breaking through some of the barriers that may be holding you back unconsciously. Here's why: living in a body you don't like is probably associated with a certain amount of pain. But it's "long distance" pain. And doing something about it takes time. You don't see results right away. Sure, having a fitter leaner body would be a great source of pleasure to you, but it's a "long distance" pleasure. It's not here right now, in this moment.

So in order to start making choices that support the long-distance goal of having a healthier, fitter, leaner body, you have to start using that conditioning process to your own advantage. That means finding a way to associate the experience of eating junky food with pain, and associate the experience of pushing it away with pleasure.

Maybe you do that by making a pleasurable experience readily available to yourself as soon as you walk away from the table. Maybe the minute you turn down that plate of ice cream you take a warm, relaxing bath. Or maybe you sit with a nice book. Or listen to a favorite CD. You have to be creative here, because you're trying to literally re-condition yourself to have a pleasurable association to an action that in the past has been painful. The idea is to make "saying no" to junk a positive experience.
"

Hmm.. I think I just might try it. However while his article focuses on eating.. I think I'll bbase that thinking around working out. I keep stretching and moving around when I think about working out - yet don't want to do it. I guess in my mind I'm preparing myself to get a little further. I put on my shoes and relaxed pants because they put me into the mood to workout. I don't always workout when I put them on but they remind me of it.

Hmm. Small steps. Thought process then action. I can't comment or visit my friends page right now, but I will soon :) I promise
Comments: Read 4 orAdd Your Own.

Friday, March 25th, 2005

Subject:Day 30
Time:4:26 pm.
So ends the first week of the second part of the challenge. I hope some of you are still tagging along :)

I'll be completely honest.. I did horrible this week. Sleep.. tons of sleeping.. and more sleeping. And again, more sleeping. As always, the food and water *thumbs up* superb. Working out? Nope. Nada. Yesterday I played around and did some stretching.. some kicking.. cracking my bones etc. Other than that..nothing.

What is up with me? I know part of it is definitely putting things off, procrastinating, then getting distracted. Maybe I need a better schedule. Maybe I need more self control. I write these things then I just completely forget all that I've written previously. All the motivation, all the devotion, all the hope and dedication.. I just forget and think about other things.

Control. I need control.

I tried on those jeans the other day.. they still don't fit of course but I covered the top with a shirt so I could get a visual image how why I loved them so much. I took some pictures and I got all excited because even though its still a huge amount of weight I have to lose after I fit into them.. it still is getting back to somewhere I used to be. Maybe its just a way for me to visualize my loss. I even told my mom today "I have 5 pairs of jeans I love.. that if i lose 10-20 pounds I could fit into.. so I'm not going to buy any pants/skirts." Ugh.

The JeansCollapse )

What am I so afraid of? Suffering? Difficulty? I keep saying I don't like working out because it seems like a chore again.. its not fun to me. But that shouldn't be an excuse. Do I not do my homework? Did I not go to work every single day?

Well I'm taking small steps though. I know I have some emotional issues to deal with which may be the reason for all of this.. because I was doing AWESOME before I broke up.. maybe thats why. I don't want it to be but ugh. I mean I also had a job, was still at my university, was doing great in my classes.. so a lot has changed. I'm at a very shitty point I realize that. But I need to be stronger. I can't let my emotions control me.

I'm going to be Yourself!Fitness and hope for the best. It has multiple different work outs.. and I still get "bored" or unmotivated then I know its something more. I'll even borrow my mom's salsa/whatever tapes and see if I get any more excited.

sigh. I will change, I will do this.. and I will be an inspiration to others. I know it. It's just about self control. Hope. Determination. I will take little steps if I have to.. but I will do it.

*hugs* thank you all for being here for me through this, I greatly appreciate it. I think I'm going to try to start posting more again.. maybe that will help as well. Hopefully.
Comments: Read 6 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, March 21st, 2005

Subject:Day 25
Time:4:15 pm.
I know we're already a few days into the second part of the challenge, but for me today was my new beginning. I didn't wake up like I had wished, but I will work out extra hard tonight. I also went grocery shopping with success in mind.

I bought my typical healthy foods: salad, wraps, lean turkey, fat free yogurt, spinach, etc. This time I made an effort to buy more veggies and fruits though. I'm kind've lazy about fresh fruits so I did what I could. I bought some frozen fruits and canned fruits (light syrup, sometimes I just freeze them too) and I will make smoothies if I have to. Last night I put peach halves in my yogurt and it was absolutely DELICIOUS!

Veggies I bought a bunch of canned ones, another area I'm lazy in. I know fresh is better - but if I just ignore fresh ones and just let them rot, isn't canned better than nothing? I ventured a bit and got lots of black beans, dark red kidney beans, green beans and peas. I usually don't get beans anymore just green beans. I'm excited. I also bought cranberry juice to amp up that area a bit.

I'm amazed at how much I love so many healthy foods. I do enjoy the naughty ones as well and I'm not going to beat myself up over a fried chicken sandwich or some pizza once in a great while.. but wow I really do love so many other foods.

I know I didn't reply to any of the comments in the last entry but I didn't know quite what to say. I hope you all realize that I wasn't searching for compliments and I wasn't calling myself ugly really. I guess my point was that I've realized - my looks to me are like good and bad days. We all have them and what matters the most is what we do to make sure those bad days don't bring the rest of our life down. Me ignoring that I can at times look 'ugly' to myself is me ignoring my identity, its me pushing what I don't want to face behind me and never working to change it. Which is of course the flaw I'm certain makes it harder for me to be motivated to lose weight. I came to terms with the fact that I am indeed overweight but I still have a hard facing what is actually me.

I wrote something in my personal hand-written journal after that entry to motivate myself. I thought I'd share it:
I will do thisCollapse )
Comments: Read 8 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, March 16th, 2005

Subject:Day 20
Time:1:53 pm.
hey everyone, I'm sorry it's been so long since I've updated or commented. I was out of state until late Sunday, and then I was just overwhelmed with emotions and homework. I should be doing homework right now too ;p meh.

I've been keeping on track food wise.. did very good while out of state and these past few days. I hadn't worked out in a few days though. Those emotions getting to me again of course. Yesterday I worked out though :) So hopefully I'm getting back on track. Today is day 20 of the challenge, which means tomorrow - if you stuck with your habit the entire time .. the habit should be a "habit". I didn't do too well, so i'm glad I made this challenge 42 days as a whole because I need it.

Emotional destruction! Its so annoying. I get upset and then I forget to work out. Then I realize how fat I am again.. and get extremely pissed off at myself. I'm so sick of being this way. I'm healthy now - Great. Like I tell so many people who want to give me 'tips' on how to lose weight.. I've been eating healthly since pretty much last August. I had my ups and downs, but since January I've been doing almost perfectly with eating. I've done awesomely with water since our challenge started. When I saw my Doctor last December - he told me my health was perfect except for being overweight. No high cholesterol, no high blood pressure, no unhealthy eating.. I just need to lose the weight.

What does this mean? I'm not gaining.. I'm not losing either. I need to start focusing on working out. I got the healthy eating donw, now I need to focus on the hard part. The losing what fat I already have.

Ugh, I can do this. I know I can. I'm a strong girl, I'm an intelligent determined person.. I know I can do this. I will damnit.

I know I've made so many posts similar to this, but I just need to stop forgetting what I really need, I need to stop forgetting what is keeping me generally unhappy. I need to do what I need to do..

I hope the rest of you are doing awesome, and I want to thank all of you who have added me as your friend. I appreciate it greatly, and I hope I'm here for you as much as you need me to be. I remember when I started this journal and I only had 2-4 friends and I was so happy when it went up to 7 friends.. before I could realize it I have now 28 friends. Its awesome. I'm so glad all of you are here with me on this journey.

Big hugs all around.
Comments: Read 10 orAdd Your Own.

Friday, March 11th, 2005

Time:11:59 am.
Hey everyone, I'm sorry but it turns out I'm going out of state this weekend, leaving Very soon.. and wont be back till Monday.

No worries though, I'm bringing my water bottle, my tae bo, and my weights and I'm going to try my damn hardest to stay on track!

I'm sorry I can't make an official Challenge post but today is the 15th day and the end of the Second week! I want to know how you ALL are doing.. I want to come back from this trip and have a buttload of wonderful positive messages about your goals and your accomplishments.

Much love, and have a GREAT weekend :)
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

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